Suicidal Emotions

I've noticed that I have moments where I wish I died in some ways. I'm always thinking of death at least once every week. Not only that, I think of how I would die. Sometimes I think I'll slit myself and bleed to death, but in reality I'm not courageous enough to do that. I don't understand why I've always wanted to die. It's probably cause of my family. I have a kleptomaniac and hoarder mother, an obnoxious "queen" sister and a "servant" dad. It just makes me mad to live in a family like this. This family is causing my depression and suicidal moments.

However I may have suicidal moments, I don't have the courage to commit to it. Doubt is probably what is preventing me from dying yet hate is encouraging enough. I have so much hate. I hate my bullying, my sister, my mom, the rude Mexicans in my school, the overachieving Asians, the loud and annoying people who shout abominable things, etc. I practically hate a lot of people. I guess this is what a loner is like.

I'm a loner in my heart yet I have friends. That's kind of weird, but it is the truth. I'm quiet and stick to myself. I guess having been bully result in me being like this. I don't ever remember wanting to die before being bullying. The bullying trigger a lot of me and especially my depression.

Don't worry. I don't take anti-depression pills and I'll never will. I don't think I'm that depress compare to a lot of people. I just want to die, but I'm too scared. I don't want to know what it is like on the other side. Besides, I still have Toby. He's the only one that makes a smile on my face whenever I see him.

I guess there is a good side on having a dog. A dog is consider a companion to human and he's my companion even though I don't think he considers me his best friend. His best friend is the one that gives him food like meat which is my mom, dad, and the queen. I rarely feed Toby and I avoid feeding him meat. I know meat is bad, but my family is cheap and rather feed him meat than his little pellet.

Back to my suicidal stuff, now that I think about it... I scared the crap out of my mom with my suicidal moment. There was one time, I don't remember much, when I grab a knife out of the cabinet and walk into the garage placing the knife on my wrist. My mom walks into the garage and was going berserk when she saw the knife. I think I scared her a lot when I did that purpose. In reality, I know for sure I wouldn't cut myself. I'll think about doing that but I won't. In the end, my mom got the knife out of my hands and was very scared that her daughter was suicidal. She even told people at church and her sisters (my aunts). I bet now everyone knows of my suicidal event.

I wish she never told. It changes how people view me now. It's would have been better to keep things a secret, but knowing my mom.. she is a gossip queen like the queen. :(

Sorry to disappoint people who want to hear of a real suicidal moment where there is blood and a rope and etc.